What's going on? Why everything looks like this? When I started making mistakes? Is it that I'm acting immaturely? But I'm young! So if not now then when I should be immature? Should is not a good word. Could? But now I can't afford to be like this. I have to be responsible. I need to think about certain things, before I decided to do something irrational and stupid. This is the time when I should be sensible, patient. Simply – I should behave like a grown-up. I know that I do that. I'm much more mature than I had been before. So I think that is not fair. It's not fair. Really. I'm trying hard. It's not enough. Honestly, it is far from enough. It came to that I have to persons in my mind the optimistic one with great attitude about problems and solutions. The other one is pessimistic, weak, but stronger in mind. It pretty much feels like the fight between Goliath and David. Except that Goliath wins every time. I know that I need to choose. I even know what I should choose, but everyone knows how difficult it is to do something like this. Be optimistic, be optimistic, be optimistic. Do not worry about everything, because this is pointless. Worrying don't change anything. And still I do worry. I do have “the worse me” and “the better me” in my mind. I have lots of arguments in favor of “the better me”. Eventually something will be normal, will be better and without worrying I'll much happier. I could be much better girlfriend, classmate, person. I know that. But that is not a sufficient list of reasons to become that better person. There is a struggle in my mind from quite some time now. There are moments, where despite of the bad things in my life, I'm just simply happy. I enjoy good food, good company, good tv show, good news, nice view from window ( trees slowly are starting to be green! ), nice stranger, who tell pleasant things, smiles from people, sun, blue sky, good music ( I'm crazy about the live performance of U2 on The Tonight Show, Bono sings “Ordinary Love”. Watch it! ). So why can't I stay like this? Who knows... I will keep trying, but I'm afraid that I still be David, however I won't win. Ever.